A few things come with the middle of March: coups in Rome, college basketball, and the innocent redundancy “World Cheese Championship Contest” presented by Wisconsin Cheese Markers Association (this years winner: a massive wheel of Swiss Gruyere!). 30 judges from 12 countries weighed in on 50,000 lbs. of cheese in an effort to prove Wisconsin is good at something. The winning style will be spend the next year as the official headdress of the Green Bay Packers (many credit last year’s division title to the SarVecchio Parmesan). See all 79 winners here, if you must. But like I said, these things happen every year. So let’s round up what doesn’t — at least what shouldn’t — for the week of March 15th:
Science finally stepped up to the plate and gave us a reason to hate UGG boots: no arch support. This is not the reason I was looking for. My amateur research finds many more qualitative reasons to hate UGG boots than arch support. In fact, this article preempts my personal study entitled “All The Ways UGGs Are Like Syphilis” due out next week (1. Hideous 2. Comes from Sheep 3. Highly contagious 4. Still cool in New Zealand…).
The Vermont Board of Education released a list of their list of “persistently underachieving schools”. The Vermont Board of Education put the schools in the wrong order, blaming miscalculations. Vermont residents now know which schools their administrators attended.
The Japanese replica car manufacturer Tomica released a $76,500 model of a 1970 Nissan. Like all Tomica’s this toy has wheels that move and doors that open. Unlike other Tomica’s this toy is made of pure platinum. 7.4 oz. worth. You also get a box, made out of another 8.5 oz. of platinum. Tomica seems to be targeting a particular niche audience: those who can afford a $76,500 matchbox car and who still have interest in late model Nissans (Tom Cruise).
New York ‘artist’ Jonathon-with-an-”O” Keats unveils his newest film to film’s newest audience: houseplants. Keats’ Strange Skies — a sped up video of Italian, well, skies — is billed by the filmmaker as a travel documentary for plants. Saying that plants are the newest audience marginalized by Hollywood, Keats says that he wants to give vegetation what James Cameron’s Avatar gave humans. Keats’ previous efforts used footage of bees pollinating flowers to create “pornography for plants”. Plants, and James Cameron.
Urologists across America offered their ‘March Madness’ deal on vasectomies to coincide with the NCAA Tournament. These promotions claim that this week, with four days of non-stop basketball, is the ideal time to recover from the procedure. In support of the deal, clinics have thrown in door prizes ranging from pizzas for eating during the games and coozies for drinking during the games and bags of frozen peas for…and bags of frozen peas. From somewhere in the great beyond, Charles Darwin is telling anyone remotely interested in this promotion to get the vasectomy, for “the good of the species.”
Darwin’s advice might also extend to you, reader, if in the past week you have found yourself: spending $76,500 on any Nissan, attending any cheese competition, wearing any UGGs, doing anything past providing water for your houseplants, or living in Vermont. Remember, dear reader, March is the perfect time to do it.